I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
