i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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