hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Is it penis luge time yet?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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