tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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