is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
