Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
