so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Randomize
