My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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