We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
