Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize
