shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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