I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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