it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
