he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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