So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
