How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
