I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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