My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I smell stomach acid.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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