today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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