Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Don't EVER smell your tampon
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
