I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Randomize
