You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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