so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
