No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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