I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
