this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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