I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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