it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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