Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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