Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
