I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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