when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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