so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
