You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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