You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
