My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
