theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
