i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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