if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
