but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
