Im at strip club and am horny
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
