my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
