I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize