Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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