I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
dude. I can hear the air.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
