If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
