We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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