This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
