you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
