It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
