After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
