I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I just found puke in my bra..
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
