I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
