Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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