she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize