the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
