Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize