my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
organizing the empties. That sober.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
