We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Boobs are out for the taking
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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