My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize