My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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