meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
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