A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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