I wish I only lived at night.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
