saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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