I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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