Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
