Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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