i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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