i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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