and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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