if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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