Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
