It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
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