ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
